Is medication right for you?

Throughout the years I've been on and off medication for anxiety and depression. There have been things that helped and things that made it worse. Medication is 100% a personal choice in dealing with your panic attacks, and definitely isn't for everyone. Some people are able to cope with their panic attacks really easily without it, but others, like me are not.
I've had people talk a lot of crap to me about my choice to see a psychiatrist and be medicated for anxiety, and I firmly believe that if you haven't experienced what I deal with in my day to day life, you have no right to judge me. If you don't know what it's like to have a panic attack every single time you walk in to work, get in the car, or go to a certain place, I don't really want to hear your comments about me choosing how to deal with them. I've noticed that a lot of people avoid getting professional treatment because of this judgement, and no one should be ashamed of their condition. It's not something you can control, it's a chemical imbalance in your brain. My opinion is that if you're having problems getting through a day because of anxiety and depression, you should definitely seek help, and there are tons of places you can do so. If you can't find someone to talk to and give you advice and support through this, a psychologist will, and since a lot of people hide their anxiety from people, talking to someone can be a great place to start. I've personally never seen a psychologist, because most of them need a referral to see, and I don't have the time to be looking for one, but I've heard really great things. They will help you get to the root cause of what is causing your anxiety, and that can be far better than medication management from a psychiatrist. For me however, I was at a point where talking didn't help anymore, so I found a psychiatrist, and I feel better than I've felt in years, and I am very grateful for that.
Now on to the crazy meds! Keep in mind that everything works different for everyone, and these are my own personal experiences. I've been prescribed various things throughout the years, and I want to share my experience on them because every time I've ever started taking something, I always Google it to read about other people's experiences on them. Unfortunately, some medications can make your anxiety WAY worse, and I'm a hypochondriac, so this will usually calm me down a little.
The very first thing I was ever prescribed for anxiety/depression was Zoloft. The first time I took it, I felt like it really helped me. I definitely wasn't as depressed anymore, and from what I can remember, I didn't have any panic attacks. Then I decided I didn't want to take it anymore because it made me feel emotionless, kind of like I was living in a bubble, and I wasn't experiencing life to the fullest. So I tapered myself off of it, and was fine for about a year. Then, all of a sudden I started having those panic attacks that I told you about in an earlier post. The ones where I would wake up in the middle of the night feeling like I was dying. So I went to the Dr. and got prescribed it again. The first week I took it, it was HELL. I could barely function I felt so terrible. It gave me the worst migraines I've ever experienced in my life every single day all day long, but I wanted it to work so I toughed it out. Eventually it mellowed me out, but I stopped taking it again about 6 months later for the same reasons as before, and that I couldn't drink on it. I'd just turned 21, and that was probably a dumb reason but whatever.
I went medication free for two more years and had panic attacks sporadically, but for the most part I was good. Then I was working at Convergys and they came back worse than ever. I went to a walk in clinic and explained that I was having them every time I went to work, and that I didn't want to go back on Zoloft because of the migraine issue. She prescribed me Wellbutrin. When I went to get it filled the pharmacist looked at me all bewildered and was like, have you ever taken this before? I was like, no, why? And they told me she had written me the highest possible dosage of it and they thought that was crazy so they tweaked the pills to a different kind that I could take three times a day instead of one giant dose. I started off by taking two in the morning, and the first couple days I felt like I had taking about ten adderall and drank about 500 Red Bulls. My mind and my body were racing and I had so much energy. It was so bizarre. I could have ran about 10 miles I'm sure of it. Well, that feeling wore off, and I found that I was never ever hungry. It made me really nauseous for a few hours after I took it, and I just had no appetite what so ever. I lost about 15 pounds in three weeks, and asked to be taken off of it. I don't even remember honestly if it helped with the panic attacks because I was so distracted by losing weight and feeling like I was on crack.
The next thing that was given to me was Buspar. What a horrible medication.  I took it for about a month because I desperately wanted it to work, and my doctor told me it could take awhile before I got the full effect. Buspar did the opposite of what Wellbutrin did. It made me so sleepy I could barely stay up at work. I could barely drive my car because I felt so foggy all the time and like I was going to pass out at the wheel. It is quite possibly the worst thing I've ever ever taken. It made me feel like nothing was reality, like nothing felt real at all. I couldn't tell the difference between dreams and real life. There weren't really any physical side effects except I felt a little tired for the first week, but it was horrible. I don't understand how this medication could help anyone.
Next, I was put on Prozac. It is an SSRI like Zoloft and I think works pretty similar. From what I understand about SSRIs each one works on a different part of your brain. I only took Prozac for two days it was so horrible. It gave me a sore throat so bad and made me so sick I felt like I had the flu. Never again.
After these three I lost my insurance and did my best to cope for another year without. I just breathed through them, and quit my job. Started a new one where I didn't have panic attacks every time I entered the building. I drank myself to death every day, and it was a pretty crappy portion of my life.
More recently I decided that Doc in the Box's were not the route to go and I found a psychiatrist that I could use my new awesome insurance at. I told her it had been years since I'd slept an entire 8 hours without waking up like every hour and she said that could be a major culprit in my panic attacks.
She prescribed me a low dose of lexapro and Remeron at night for sleep. She said Remeron is an old antidepressant that no one really prescribes anymore and I was pretty skeptical. Well I took it and it didn't do A THING. I stayed up for like four more hours after I took it and the next day I felt like I had a hangover all day long. The lexapro on the otherhand worked wonders. I felt a little weird for the first week. I dealt with a little bit of nausea and wicked bad heart burn. It gave me more energy and I was suddenly motivated to get up and go to work or do so stuff on the weekends other than clean my house. It didn't completely get rid of my panic attacks though, but it significantly reduced them.
My next appointment she decided to up my dosage of the Lexapro to the next highest, and prescribed me Trazadone for sleep. The Trazadone is another one of those "old antidepressants" she likes to prescribe, and it is definitely not for me. It did the same thing as the Remeron. Nothing and made me feel groggy as hell. I tried the 20 mg of Lexapro for one day and decided that the heartburn and nausea and lack of energy was too much for me to stand, and decided to stick with my original dosage.
The third appointment she prescribed me Vistaril and Klonopin on top of the Lexapro. Vistaril is essentially an antihistamine, but it's used to treat anxiety as well. Interestingly enough, it's used to treat nausea which is one of my triggers for panic attacks so that's an added bonus. It decreases CNS activity and puts you to sleep. Or I guess if you're using it like you would Benadryl, it makes you not itchy. I've been taking half of what she prescribed me, and I don't wake up at all in the night anymore.
The Klonopin is a benzodiazepine and it works really well. Since it's part of such a highly addictive class of drugs, I take it ONLY as needed when I feel an anxious day coming on. I have no desire to become addicted to a medication and become dependent on it, but this method has been working wonders for me. The mix of the Lexapro and the Klonopin has dropped my panic attacks from 10+ a day to maybe one or two a week, and I feel excellent. Plus I'm actually able to sleep at night because of the Vistaril so I'm not as groggy in the mornings, and don't have to rely so heavily on energy drinks.
So now that I've thoroughly bored everyone to death with my medications, I guess the point is, that for some people it might be really annoying to go through all of this just to find the right one. It's really time consuming, and expensive if you don't have insurance to pay for a doctor or for the medications themselves. I don't plan on staying on these for the rest of my life, I'm hoping that I can come off of them by the end of next year and live my life medication and panic attack free.
If you're struggling with anxiety I strongly recommend you seek help for it before it gets worse. You don't want to end up a recluse like I was, and getting help is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I know there is a stigma with taking medication but screw it. I don't care. I feel better, so you should be happy for me.
Are there any of you who have tried different medications for your anxiety disorders that you'd like to share? I'd be happy to hear about others experiences. Is there anyone out there that has seen a psychologist and had it help them? I've been considering adding that to my treatment plan.

I hope this post was helpful to some of you!
Until next time!
Xx Ashley C.