Introduction

My name is Ashley, and I've suffered with Panic Disorder for as long as I can remember. I don't remember when I had my first panic attack, but I suspect it was when I was around 16 years old (I'm 24 now). I can still remember what it felt like to be "normal"; to be able to go places and not worry about if I'm going to have a giant panic attack and freak out and have to leave. But what is normal, really? Normal for me at this point in my life is being constantly aware of every tiny strange thing that occurs in my body, worrying excessively about if I'm going to get into a wreck and die while I'm driving on the interstate, or thinking about things that most people would never think about, like, if I eat fast food that I didn't prepare myself, how long has it been sitting there? Is it going to give me food poisoning and make me throw up the rest of the night? It's barely even worth the risk to eat it.

When my panic attacks first started they were really terrible. I didn't know what was happening to me. There were nights when I would wake up out of a dead sleep and it would send me into a full panic. I'd sit in the bathroom for hours trying not to throw up, even though I was never really going to in the first place. My mind was playing tricks on me. I'd take multiple showers  a day to try and cure my panic attacks. So many in fact that all my friends started mocking me for taking "panic attack showers" at any given time or place when I started to get one to ward them off. The mocking wasn't especially helpful, but the showers I still to this day swear by, and that is where the title of this blog comes into play. I'd also sit on the internet for hours searching for ways to get rid of panic attacks and looking for like minded people so I could find the teeniest  comfort in my anxiety state. Then, once daylight finally came, I'd fall asleep and be fine. On to the next day.

I've decided to write this blog mainly to help myself because I want to get a better understanding of why I think and feel the way I do. On the other hand however, I've always found it very comforting to read something someone has written that I could really relate to when I was in a full blown attack. Understanding that I'm not alone in this battle has been key for me over the years. I hope to find people that can comment and contribute to this blog, but if no one other than myself reads it, that's fine too. I'm not cured by any means, but I have gained so much knowledge over the years on how to control my anxiety since that very first brutal year of having panic attacks. With the help of medication, relying on loved ones, and those faithful panic attack showers, I am able to live a (mostly) normal, fulfilling life.

So that's me. Now tell me about you.

Until next time,
Ashley C.