Throughout the years I've been on and off medication for anxiety and depression. There have been things that helped and things that made it worse. Medication is 100% a personal choice in dealing with your panic attacks, and definitely isn't for everyone. Some people are able to cope with their panic attacks really easily without it, but others, like me are not.
I've had people talk a lot of crap to me about my choice to see a psychiatrist and be medicated for anxiety, and I firmly believe that if you haven't experienced what I deal with in my day to day life, you have no right to judge me. If you don't know what it's like to have a panic attack every single time you walk in to work, get in the car, or go to a certain place, I don't really want to hear your comments about me choosing how to deal with them. I've noticed that a lot of people avoid getting professional treatment because of this judgement, and no one should be ashamed of their condition. It's not something you can control, it's a chemical imbalance in your brain. My opinion is that if you're having problems getting through a day because of anxiety and depression, you should definitely seek help, and there are tons of places you can do so. If you can't find someone to talk to and give you advice and support through this, a psychologist will, and since a lot of people hide their anxiety from people, talking to someone can be a great place to start. I've personally never seen a psychologist, because most of them need a referral to see, and I don't have the time to be looking for one, but I've heard really great things. They will help you get to the root cause of what is causing your anxiety, and that can be far better than medication management from a psychiatrist. For me however, I was at a point where talking didn't help anymore, so I found a psychiatrist, and I feel better than I've felt in years, and I am very grateful for that.
Now on to the crazy meds! Keep in mind that everything works different for everyone, and these are my own personal experiences. I've been prescribed various things throughout the years, and I want to share my experience on them because every time I've ever started taking something, I always Google it to read about other people's experiences on them. Unfortunately, some medications can make your anxiety WAY worse, and I'm a hypochondriac, so this will usually calm me down a little.
The very first thing I was ever prescribed for anxiety/depression was Zoloft. The first time I took it, I felt like it really helped me. I definitely wasn't as depressed anymore, and from what I can remember, I didn't have any panic attacks. Then I decided I didn't want to take it anymore because it made me feel emotionless, kind of like I was living in a bubble, and I wasn't experiencing life to the fullest. So I tapered myself off of it, and was fine for about a year. Then, all of a sudden I started having those panic attacks that I told you about in an earlier post. The ones where I would wake up in the middle of the night feeling like I was dying. So I went to the Dr. and got prescribed it again. The first week I took it, it was HELL. I could barely function I felt so terrible. It gave me the worst migraines I've ever experienced in my life every single day all day long, but I wanted it to work so I toughed it out. Eventually it mellowed me out, but I stopped taking it again about 6 months later for the same reasons as before, and that I couldn't drink on it. I'd just turned 21, and that was probably a dumb reason but whatever.
I went medication free for two more years and had panic attacks sporadically, but for the most part I was good. Then I was working at Convergys and they came back worse than ever. I went to a walk in clinic and explained that I was having them every time I went to work, and that I didn't want to go back on Zoloft because of the migraine issue. She prescribed me Wellbutrin. When I went to get it filled the pharmacist looked at me all bewildered and was like, have you ever taken this before? I was like, no, why? And they told me she had written me the highest possible dosage of it and they thought that was crazy so they tweaked the pills to a different kind that I could take three times a day instead of one giant dose. I started off by taking two in the morning, and the first couple days I felt like I had taking about ten adderall and drank about 500 Red Bulls. My mind and my body were racing and I had so much energy. It was so bizarre. I could have ran about 10 miles I'm sure of it. Well, that feeling wore off, and I found that I was never ever hungry. It made me really nauseous for a few hours after I took it, and I just had no appetite what so ever. I lost about 15 pounds in three weeks, and asked to be taken off of it. I don't even remember honestly if it helped with the panic attacks because I was so distracted by losing weight and feeling like I was on crack.
The next thing that was given to me was Buspar. What a horrible medication. I took it for about a month because I desperately wanted it to work, and my doctor told me it could take awhile before I got the full effect. Buspar did the opposite of what Wellbutrin did. It made me so sleepy I could barely stay up at work. I could barely drive my car because I felt so foggy all the time and like I was going to pass out at the wheel. It is quite possibly the worst thing I've ever ever taken. It made me feel like nothing was reality, like nothing felt real at all. I couldn't tell the difference between dreams and real life. There weren't really any physical side effects except I felt a little tired for the first week, but it was horrible. I don't understand how this medication could help anyone.
Next, I was put on Prozac. It is an SSRI like Zoloft and I think works pretty similar. From what I understand about SSRIs each one works on a different part of your brain. I only took Prozac for two days it was so horrible. It gave me a sore throat so bad and made me so sick I felt like I had the flu. Never again.
After these three I lost my insurance and did my best to cope for another year without. I just breathed through them, and quit my job. Started a new one where I didn't have panic attacks every time I entered the building. I drank myself to death every day, and it was a pretty crappy portion of my life.
More recently I decided that Doc in the Box's were not the route to go and I found a psychiatrist that I could use my new awesome insurance at. I told her it had been years since I'd slept an entire 8 hours without waking up like every hour and she said that could be a major culprit in my panic attacks.
She prescribed me a low dose of lexapro and Remeron at night for sleep. She said Remeron is an old antidepressant that no one really prescribes anymore and I was pretty skeptical. Well I took it and it didn't do A THING. I stayed up for like four more hours after I took it and the next day I felt like I had a hangover all day long. The lexapro on the otherhand worked wonders. I felt a little weird for the first week. I dealt with a little bit of nausea and wicked bad heart burn. It gave me more energy and I was suddenly motivated to get up and go to work or do so stuff on the weekends other than clean my house. It didn't completely get rid of my panic attacks though, but it significantly reduced them.
My next appointment she decided to up my dosage of the Lexapro to the next highest, and prescribed me Trazadone for sleep. The Trazadone is another one of those "old antidepressants" she likes to prescribe, and it is definitely not for me. It did the same thing as the Remeron. Nothing and made me feel groggy as hell. I tried the 20 mg of Lexapro for one day and decided that the heartburn and nausea and lack of energy was too much for me to stand, and decided to stick with my original dosage.
The third appointment she prescribed me Vistaril and Klonopin on top of the Lexapro. Vistaril is essentially an antihistamine, but it's used to treat anxiety as well. Interestingly enough, it's used to treat nausea which is one of my triggers for panic attacks so that's an added bonus. It decreases CNS activity and puts you to sleep. Or I guess if you're using it like you would Benadryl, it makes you not itchy. I've been taking half of what she prescribed me, and I don't wake up at all in the night anymore.
The Klonopin is a benzodiazepine and it works really well. Since it's part of such a highly addictive class of drugs, I take it ONLY as needed when I feel an anxious day coming on. I have no desire to become addicted to a medication and become dependent on it, but this method has been working wonders for me. The mix of the Lexapro and the Klonopin has dropped my panic attacks from 10+ a day to maybe one or two a week, and I feel excellent. Plus I'm actually able to sleep at night because of the Vistaril so I'm not as groggy in the mornings, and don't have to rely so heavily on energy drinks.
So now that I've thoroughly bored everyone to death with my medications, I guess the point is, that for some people it might be really annoying to go through all of this just to find the right one. It's really time consuming, and expensive if you don't have insurance to pay for a doctor or for the medications themselves. I don't plan on staying on these for the rest of my life, I'm hoping that I can come off of them by the end of next year and live my life medication and panic attack free.
If you're struggling with anxiety I strongly recommend you seek help for it before it gets worse. You don't want to end up a recluse like I was, and getting help is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I know there is a stigma with taking medication but screw it. I don't care. I feel better, so you should be happy for me.
Are there any of you who have tried different medications for your anxiety disorders that you'd like to share? I'd be happy to hear about others experiences. Is there anyone out there that has seen a psychologist and had it help them? I've been considering adding that to my treatment plan.
I hope this post was helpful to some of you!
Until next time!
Xx Ashley C.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Triggers
Triggers are a pretty typical thing for anyone with panic disorder. Over the years I have been able to kind of narrow down what, for the most part, causes my panic attacks. Being able to identify that you're actually having a panic attack and not dying is pretty much vital for overcoming them. You can figure out ways to cope with them individually, which has really helped me, even though they're pretty unconventional and might seem weird to outsiders. I, personally, am proud to say that I've never been to the emergency room while having a panic attack because I thought I was dying, but quite a few sufferers, even some I personally know, have. What a horribly embarrassing experience that would be. My ways I cope with my triggers are not the best, just a warning. But this is how I live my life.
When I first started having regular panic attacks, I had no clue what caused them. This made my life pretty difficult since I would never be able to make them stop. I would sit around night after night, for hours and hours with my heart racing, not being able to breathe, and thinking I was going to throw up. It would start to fade away, then BOOM another one would hit me.
One of my main triggers for a full blown anxiety session, is the fear that I may possibly throw up. I have this irrational fear of throwing up and being near people who are doing so. It's so ridiculous that I can vividly remember every single time I've ever been sick in my life. It's not fun. It makes it impossible to care for my child when she is sick. Every time I have a freaking cold I obsess about possibly having the flu. So any time my stomach hurts or feels the tiniest little bit weird, or if I hear someone talking about being sick, I freak. The problem is, as my friends know, my stomach always feels weird. The way I handle this trigger is simple, but it's not a good way to live. I pretty much live off of tums, pepto, prilosec and the like. Tums are like chalky candies to me. This has been a battle with me since the beginning. It's caused me to avoid eating certain things that I probably would really like. I avoid eating leftovers that are more than a day old. I avoid eating anything that looks funny. I eat plenty of fast food, but give me one bad experience or cold meal and I will never return to your place of business. So that's pretty much how I deal with that.
Another one of my triggers is driving. It's funny because I used to drive around late at night to get RID of panic attacks, but that is definitely not the case. There have been multiple occasions where I've been on my way somewhere, had this horrible thought that I was going to pass out behind the wheel or crash my car, and I've stopped what I'm doing, turned around, and went home. This literally caused me a year ago to not leave my house for a whole entire month. My husband went everywhere for me and did everything for me outside of the house. It didn't matter who was driving, every single time I got in the car I would have the worst panic attack of my life. Driving in traffic is hell for me, especially in the rain. I probably drive like a grandma everywhere I go, but hey, it works for me. Hell, being in the car with anyone who drives too fast, especially Ryan, is hell for me. I just do my best and breathe through it. I open the windows and get some air and tell myself that I can't stay in the house for the rest of my life.
Next up, being in large or small groups of people I don't know. This is probably technically social anxiety disorder but whatever. I don't have problems 1x1. I don't find it hard to talk to people I already feel like I have a similar interest in, but when I'm with multiple people I don't know, it's the worst thing in the world. I've heard from various friends that I am unapproachable at first, but it's really just me trying to block out a panic attack. The way I deal with this is usually awkward humor, or just not talking at all and pretending like there's something cool on my phone.
Too much caffeine. I average two monsters and a cup of coffee a day nowadays, but it took many years to build that up. I need to quit while I still can. If I overdo it just the tiniest bit though I will feel like I'm going to fall out. It will end in a never ending cycle of a vicious panic frenzy and chugging bottles of water on my face until it goes away.
Being somewhere that I've had panic attacks before. This is why I quit my job at Convergys, and also why I don't go to the Walmart in Fort Oglethorpe, GA. Every single time I walk in the door I have a panic attack about having a panic attack, then I leave. So I just avoid them.
Well, that is pretty much all of the triggers that I know of at this point. I'm sure I will figure out more of them as I continue to write this blog. Overcoming my anxiety is a new mission I am on, and it gets better with time. Just remember to take life day to day because you never know what to expect with anxiety disorder. I didn't have any panic attacks for like a whole week until today. Then I went to get Chinese food and had one because I got a little dizzy in the car, so I opened the window and breathed it out until I got home. Then I had another one after I ate, so I took my medicine, painted my nails sparkly blue, and ordered some bronzer and lipgloss off HSN. The best advice that has been given to me yet, and probably the most obvious, was given to my by my father while we were on the phone for over two hours talking about how he deals with his own anxiety issues. Just remember that it's only a panic attack. You're not dying, you're going to be fine. Remember that you're not alone. There are plenty of other people that have felt the same horrible feeling you are experiencing, and if you don't know anyone personally, don't be afraid to do what I've done and google the hell out of it while you're at your worst. There are tons of support groups and blogs just like this one that have gotten me through the bad nights.
I appreciate everyone's kind words about my introduction post. I didn't really expect anyone to read and relate but I'm glad you did. Don't hesitate to contact me for any advice, or just to talk if you're having a bad day.
Until next time,
Xx Ashley C.
When I first started having regular panic attacks, I had no clue what caused them. This made my life pretty difficult since I would never be able to make them stop. I would sit around night after night, for hours and hours with my heart racing, not being able to breathe, and thinking I was going to throw up. It would start to fade away, then BOOM another one would hit me.
One of my main triggers for a full blown anxiety session, is the fear that I may possibly throw up. I have this irrational fear of throwing up and being near people who are doing so. It's so ridiculous that I can vividly remember every single time I've ever been sick in my life. It's not fun. It makes it impossible to care for my child when she is sick. Every time I have a freaking cold I obsess about possibly having the flu. So any time my stomach hurts or feels the tiniest little bit weird, or if I hear someone talking about being sick, I freak. The problem is, as my friends know, my stomach always feels weird. The way I handle this trigger is simple, but it's not a good way to live. I pretty much live off of tums, pepto, prilosec and the like. Tums are like chalky candies to me. This has been a battle with me since the beginning. It's caused me to avoid eating certain things that I probably would really like. I avoid eating leftovers that are more than a day old. I avoid eating anything that looks funny. I eat plenty of fast food, but give me one bad experience or cold meal and I will never return to your place of business. So that's pretty much how I deal with that.
Another one of my triggers is driving. It's funny because I used to drive around late at night to get RID of panic attacks, but that is definitely not the case. There have been multiple occasions where I've been on my way somewhere, had this horrible thought that I was going to pass out behind the wheel or crash my car, and I've stopped what I'm doing, turned around, and went home. This literally caused me a year ago to not leave my house for a whole entire month. My husband went everywhere for me and did everything for me outside of the house. It didn't matter who was driving, every single time I got in the car I would have the worst panic attack of my life. Driving in traffic is hell for me, especially in the rain. I probably drive like a grandma everywhere I go, but hey, it works for me. Hell, being in the car with anyone who drives too fast, especially Ryan, is hell for me. I just do my best and breathe through it. I open the windows and get some air and tell myself that I can't stay in the house for the rest of my life.
Next up, being in large or small groups of people I don't know. This is probably technically social anxiety disorder but whatever. I don't have problems 1x1. I don't find it hard to talk to people I already feel like I have a similar interest in, but when I'm with multiple people I don't know, it's the worst thing in the world. I've heard from various friends that I am unapproachable at first, but it's really just me trying to block out a panic attack. The way I deal with this is usually awkward humor, or just not talking at all and pretending like there's something cool on my phone.
Too much caffeine. I average two monsters and a cup of coffee a day nowadays, but it took many years to build that up. I need to quit while I still can. If I overdo it just the tiniest bit though I will feel like I'm going to fall out. It will end in a never ending cycle of a vicious panic frenzy and chugging bottles of water on my face until it goes away.
Being somewhere that I've had panic attacks before. This is why I quit my job at Convergys, and also why I don't go to the Walmart in Fort Oglethorpe, GA. Every single time I walk in the door I have a panic attack about having a panic attack, then I leave. So I just avoid them.
Well, that is pretty much all of the triggers that I know of at this point. I'm sure I will figure out more of them as I continue to write this blog. Overcoming my anxiety is a new mission I am on, and it gets better with time. Just remember to take life day to day because you never know what to expect with anxiety disorder. I didn't have any panic attacks for like a whole week until today. Then I went to get Chinese food and had one because I got a little dizzy in the car, so I opened the window and breathed it out until I got home. Then I had another one after I ate, so I took my medicine, painted my nails sparkly blue, and ordered some bronzer and lipgloss off HSN. The best advice that has been given to me yet, and probably the most obvious, was given to my by my father while we were on the phone for over two hours talking about how he deals with his own anxiety issues. Just remember that it's only a panic attack. You're not dying, you're going to be fine. Remember that you're not alone. There are plenty of other people that have felt the same horrible feeling you are experiencing, and if you don't know anyone personally, don't be afraid to do what I've done and google the hell out of it while you're at your worst. There are tons of support groups and blogs just like this one that have gotten me through the bad nights.
I appreciate everyone's kind words about my introduction post. I didn't really expect anyone to read and relate but I'm glad you did. Don't hesitate to contact me for any advice, or just to talk if you're having a bad day.
Until next time,
Xx Ashley C.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Introduction
My name is Ashley, and I've suffered with Panic Disorder for as long as I can remember. I don't remember when I had my first panic attack, but I suspect it was when I was around 16 years old (I'm 24 now). I can still remember what it felt like to be "normal"; to be able to go places and not worry about if I'm going to have a giant panic attack and freak out and have to leave. But what is normal, really? Normal for me at this point in my life is being constantly aware of every tiny strange thing that occurs in my body, worrying excessively about if I'm going to get into a wreck and die while I'm driving on the interstate, or thinking about things that most people would never think about, like, if I eat fast food that I didn't prepare myself, how long has it been sitting there? Is it going to give me food poisoning and make me throw up the rest of the night? It's barely even worth the risk to eat it.
When my panic attacks first started they were really terrible. I didn't know what was happening to me. There were nights when I would wake up out of a dead sleep and it would send me into a full panic. I'd sit in the bathroom for hours trying not to throw up, even though I was never really going to in the first place. My mind was playing tricks on me. I'd take multiple showers a day to try and cure my panic attacks. So many in fact that all my friends started mocking me for taking "panic attack showers" at any given time or place when I started to get one to ward them off. The mocking wasn't especially helpful, but the showers I still to this day swear by, and that is where the title of this blog comes into play. I'd also sit on the internet for hours searching for ways to get rid of panic attacks and looking for like minded people so I could find the teeniest comfort in my anxiety state. Then, once daylight finally came, I'd fall asleep and be fine. On to the next day.
I've decided to write this blog mainly to help myself because I want to get a better understanding of why I think and feel the way I do. On the other hand however, I've always found it very comforting to read something someone has written that I could really relate to when I was in a full blown attack. Understanding that I'm not alone in this battle has been key for me over the years. I hope to find people that can comment and contribute to this blog, but if no one other than myself reads it, that's fine too. I'm not cured by any means, but I have gained so much knowledge over the years on how to control my anxiety since that very first brutal year of having panic attacks. With the help of medication, relying on loved ones, and those faithful panic attack showers, I am able to live a (mostly) normal, fulfilling life.
So that's me. Now tell me about you.
Until next time,
Ashley C.
When my panic attacks first started they were really terrible. I didn't know what was happening to me. There were nights when I would wake up out of a dead sleep and it would send me into a full panic. I'd sit in the bathroom for hours trying not to throw up, even though I was never really going to in the first place. My mind was playing tricks on me. I'd take multiple showers a day to try and cure my panic attacks. So many in fact that all my friends started mocking me for taking "panic attack showers" at any given time or place when I started to get one to ward them off. The mocking wasn't especially helpful, but the showers I still to this day swear by, and that is where the title of this blog comes into play. I'd also sit on the internet for hours searching for ways to get rid of panic attacks and looking for like minded people so I could find the teeniest comfort in my anxiety state. Then, once daylight finally came, I'd fall asleep and be fine. On to the next day.
I've decided to write this blog mainly to help myself because I want to get a better understanding of why I think and feel the way I do. On the other hand however, I've always found it very comforting to read something someone has written that I could really relate to when I was in a full blown attack. Understanding that I'm not alone in this battle has been key for me over the years. I hope to find people that can comment and contribute to this blog, but if no one other than myself reads it, that's fine too. I'm not cured by any means, but I have gained so much knowledge over the years on how to control my anxiety since that very first brutal year of having panic attacks. With the help of medication, relying on loved ones, and those faithful panic attack showers, I am able to live a (mostly) normal, fulfilling life.
So that's me. Now tell me about you.
Until next time,
Ashley C.
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