Fresh start. Probably not.

Moving in ten days whether i want to or not.  My life is basically over, ive lost everything of value or near to my heart except my daughter and my pets.

So it could be a new start, except for the fact that my panic attacks are so out of control I can hardly think. I need a job, but know my mental stability isn't good and know I can't handle it.

I don't want to me a failure like my sister. I don't want to keep losing everything every three years and shit  never being good. I want a normal life. A happy life. No anxiety, no cry spells.  I just want to be alone.

But that isn't possible so I will sit here and listen to John Mayer and pretend I'm not having a panic attack or wanting to kill myself.

And to my friend, thank you.

At my wits end

I'm about to go on a serious whine fest. Unlike the rest of my posts here this is really more for me than anyone else.

I am at my wits end. I'm so tired of being hurt every single solitary day of my life. The threats, violence, lies, stealing, and betrayal are more than I can handle. I am tired of having panic attacks every single day of my life because I'm always worrying about what lie is going to be told to me. I can't take it anymore. I need help and there's no way to get it.  I've lost everything and no one is there for me when I need them more than ever. I don't even know who I am anymore and I'm tired of having these feelings. Tired of feeling like I want to run my car off a bridge. Tired of only having my 6 year old daughter there to comfort me when I'm sad. She's such an angel. The only good thing that has ever happened to me in my life. Anything else good is an illusion and is only temporary. It will always be only me, her, and my cats.
This pain is not temporary. It will never end. I've never been treated so horribly in my entire life and i don't even know who I am anymore. Everything is falling apart including myself and I don't know what to do.
Sometimes I wish I had more friends so I could talk to them. But then I remember that I wouldn't be able to ever see them anyway so what's the point. So I distance myself from them, from life, from love, from pain.
I wish I was dead.

Work and Panic Attacks

So having panic attacks at work really sucks. Especially when you have to attempt to explain to your boss what they are and why and when they happen when you don't really know yourself..... 
Then it turns into a trip to hr to get something set up with the Americans disability act.....
Then I end up having to schedule my Dr's appt two weeks earlier than anticipated so I can find out what's wrong with me and get my meds switched back. On my birthday no less.

That's all for today.
A stressful week to say the least.
Xx Ashley C.

Just when I thought it was getting better

It's gotten infinitely worse.
My Psychiatrist is an idiot. I told her my medications weren't working anymore and she refused to adjust my dosage, switched me to something else, and when I asked her what if this doesn't work, guess what she said??? She said Oh, well then there isn't anything I can do for you. What kind of FUCKING psychiatrist TELLS someone something like that. Like isn't it YOUR JOB as a doctor to HELP people with mental issues get better?!!?! Not to make it even worse than it already is by essentially giving up on them. Thanks.
Thanks a bunch.
So things have been going downhill for a like a month. I think it's because I've been so over stressed about money and work.  I hate my job. For some reason unknown to me the management there seems to despise me. I don't understand why. I'm awesome at my job. I do more work than the majority of people there, and I do it well. Yet they continue to make up excuses to hold me back from reaching goals I want to reach, which is extremely frustrating. Or they act like something is going to happen or change and then I wait and I wait and I wait and nothing ever happens. I can't take it anymore. I shouldn't want to leave my job the second I walk in the door. It's the most boring job in the universe. I just want more responsibility that I know I can handle. I swear if something doesn't change soon I'm going to lose it. I don't want to rely on my medication to get through work every day but it's gotten to the point where I have to because if I don't take it, I'm either sitting there about to burst into tears, having a panic attack every single time I leave my cubicle, or just sitting around all day accomplishing nothing because I am thinking about what will happen if I walk out or if anyone will even notice that I am gone.
Why would any management team not recognize that they have a good employee. I do not, and will not ever understand why they decided to pick on me. Why don't you go focus your attention on the idiots you have hired who DON'T know how to do their jobs. The one's who are leaving early every single day, and not meeting their numbers, failing their audits, and closing everything out wrong. Go bother them for awhile, because I'm going to end up smashing a cubicle if they keep bullying me. Or at least going to HR.
Now then. Work rant over. Last night I had quite possibly the worst panic attack I've had in 4+ years. It was like a freaking flashback panic attack, it was awful. I was totally fine all day and stayed up super late working on my nails, watching tv, and my other blog. Ryan goes to bed, and I'm about to go to bed too and I get up and all of a sudden, WHAM, I feel like I'm dying, or I'm going to puke one. At first I was like oh god I have food poisoning from the Taco Bell I ate that I didn't even want to eat. That's what I get for actually eating more than cake and cheese and crackers today. But no. It was definitely just a massive panic attack. Sweating, Nauseas, Mind Racing, couldn't figure out why it was happening.
At least panic attack showers still work.
Hopefully before my next appt I can find another Doctor because mine is a serious phony.
Sorry I haven't been posting much. With all the nonsense going on I haven't really had much time!
Xx Ashley C.